Life has now become a competition, a continuous state of comparison, a complete abomination towards oneself. Someday, I love myself; some days, it is hatred that wins over me. But one thing that I have experienced lately is my unwillingness to do anything, the continuous state of confusion that I am in telling myself if he were in my place, would he do that for me? For me? Yeah, for me. Everything has to happen for me. I was such a selfless boy, but now I have turned to a selfish man; a selfish, self-centered man. I was never such a person, but now what I have become is something that I would have never accepted, but it is time that I share this, share this insecurity that lies within me. To talk about these things is a mess because I know people will start judging me, but who cares. As I have grown older, I have started to become more selfish. When I was a kid, I used to love by all my heart, but now I have to think before I love someone. And if it needs thinking, if love and to be loved needs thought, it isn’t worth the time.
The desire to become famous: This feeling is new; it wasn’t back then or at least I didn’t know I had that desire, ‘To be famous, to crave others attention’, why? That I don’t know of. But like most people in this popular TV culture, the age of viral media, I wanted to be famous. I wanted to be followed. I wanted to be loved. But, as I am typing these words, my desire for such things have diminished to some extent. Everyone here wants to become Sandeep Lamichhane but doesn’t put any effort to become one. If one puts all the work smartly just like he did for cricket, for some other field, that person too would excel in that field. Becoming a celebrity is something that most of the youths desire, they all want to be Sisan Baniya, with a beautiful and talented girlfriend like Shrinkhala, but guess what? It isn’t like that. Stop daydreaming.
The information overload: In this age of information overload, I am unable to decide what I should do, what I am good at, which career should I choose? It is never too late, they say, but, for me, I feel it has already become too late. I think I have lost this race in life. There are lots of things to take care of and lots of things to learn, I want everything to happen and now which is impossible, right?
The Pessimist: Just a reminder, I have consumed so much negativity now that I am dull and pessimistic thoughts hover my mind for most of the time. I cannot see the beauty of things. I simply can’t. I don’t see the beauty in the sunrise, all I see is a hot round mass of fire that rises and sets because it has to. Beautiful portraits don’t entice me now. I don’t like holding babies anymore and don’t like puppies like I used to. I am a pessismist.
Society is to blame: I am in no way responsible for all the bad things that are happening. Society is to blame. I am right, everyone else is wrong. They don’t know how to function the government, but I know. I, who don’t have control over my own life, I, who waste my time jerking off so hard that someday I might break my hand, I, a porn addict, can and will run the government efficiently. I trash plastics in the road even though there is a dustbin just a few blocks away but complain about government and society.
Desire to live alone: Everyone here is putting up a face, a fake face, from what they are and if someone is genuine or trying to be genuine, they will make the genuine feel miserable about themselves. I don’t want to live here anymore. I can’t keep up with this world. I don’t think I belong here. I just wanna go away, far from this maddening crowd, to someplace where I won’t be judged, where I can be me.. Although, I know such place doesn’t exist but I want to comfort myself saying ‘I will go there someday, and never come back’.
I am not just me, but a voice. I am you. I am anyone who feels just the same type of insecurities: a hatred, a guilt that they have squandered their life, a need to change their life. It is okay to be sad, sometimes. Sadness is just an emotion, don’t let that eat you up; Sometimes it is okay to be alone, sometimes it is fine to fail. Not every day is sunshine, sometimes it is dark, but once again light will prevail in your life, but only if you surround yourself with the positive thoughts. As you sow, so will you reap. If we can’t control ourselves, how can we expect to control our lives? Read, meditate, eat, pray and love. Pray that the world would be a better place for everyone. It is okay to think for oneself, but not okay to think for oneself only. You do not need to be famous, you need to be happy. You don’t need to be loved by everyone, but just the people around you, it will do. Don’t hope that you can change the world alone, but you can change you, you can give every ounce of your blood and sweat to become the best version of yourself. And don’t expect from others the same as you treat them, you have to do what you feel right. Good things take time. Invest in yourself and you will be delighted to see the result.
‘Don’t worry, be happy’Bob Marley